Battersea Park Children’s Zoo & Farmyard Animals

Craig’s review… I’m normally a bit of a cynic when I see a sign like ‘Children’s Zoo’ because I just assume that it’s a cheapo zoo – a zoo with no animals in it. A zoo where they’ve taken out all the lions and tigers and replaced them with a paddock full of pigs and chickens and swings and slides. But considering the tiny size of the place they do actually have quite a nice collection of monkeys: capuchins, tamarins and squirrel monkeys. Nothing very big though – no chimps. No orangutans or gorillas. We’re not talking Planet of the Apes here. These guys are not going to be taking over the world any time soon. Most of them are probably no bigger than my shoe.

I keep meaning to bring some cymbals with me to wake them up because they always seem to be snoozing in their sheds out the back. What time do monkeys get up in the morning? What time do they start work? The only time they poke their noses out is when a zookeeper chucks in a piece of carrot. They have a quick sniff and say no thanks mate, and go straight back to bed again. What a nice easy life they lead. Most people want to be reincarnated as something better when they die, but I wouldn’t mind regressing back to being a monkey again. Why not? I’m bored of being a human. I’ll have a couple of rounds as a monkey and then one as a bird, then perhaps I’ll try being a human again.

The chipmunks are like little balls of fur that zip around the ground at 100 miles an hour, ricocheting off the walls like a spray of rubber bullets. It’s almost as if they’re teleporting across the other side of the cage – that is how fast they’re moving. I tried to take a photo of one but the little blighter wouldn’t keep still. I said: “keep still for a second so I can take a photo will you please”, but nope. He had places he needed to be, things he needed to see on the other side of the cage.

I watched the otters for a few minutes and they spent the entire time chasing each other around the wet rocks and waterfall. Either they were having a fun game or a fight to the death, I’m not sure which.

If your kid is a fan of snakes then here’s some good news: they’ve got a corn snake. And if they’re absolutely petrified of snakes then here’s some even better news: they’ve got a six-foot rat snake as well.

The most popular enclosure is the meerkats because they let you shuffle into an underground pipe and poke your head up in the middle of the enclosure (you have to be a little kid to fit inside it though, because adults would wedge themselves in). Unfortunately it was pouring down with rain today so the meerkats decided to stay indoors. The staff didn’t issue them with umbrellas so what are they supposed to do? They had a little dry shed out the back where I watched them huddling around a giant lightbulb like they were warming their paws around a campfire.

Everyone thinks they’re cute but apparently they’ll rip your head off if you stumble into the meerkat enclosure by mistake and you’re basically dead. They will strip your skin off like a pack of piranhas until all that’s left is a pair of dry eyeballs. That’s what someone told me down the pub, anyway.

In the centre of the zoo is a big green field with a couple of mini-Nissan huts in it (they look like those corrugated iron sheds where they parked Spitfires in the war). I stood there for two minutes scanning the scene for enemy animals, until one eventually decided to poke his head outside and see what was happening. It was a wallaby. Or maybe it was a kangaroo. It definitely had big feet anyway. After a quick sniff of the air he decided that he didn’t fancy the cold clouds over Battersea and went back to bed again.

The only animal that actually engaged me in conversation all day was an emu. He followed me around the fence for five minutes, strutting his stuff, trying to stare me out, but I was equal to the challenge. I stared deep into his eyes (into his soul) until he finally had to admit defeat and skulk away.

The rest of the animals are pretty tame. In London Zoo they’ve got penguins and flamingos, but in here they’ve got chickens and ducks. London Zoo has lions and tigers, but in here it’s two fat pigs and a pony. They’ve even some guinea pigs and a rabbit on display – the same kind that you might find in a pet shop. I’m guessing that they must caught half of their animals from Battersea Park next-door, because there are lots of identical-looking birds and ducks all roaming around outside the fence, whilst the ones in here are all banged up, like prisoners, unable to escape. It reminded me of that POW camp in The Great Escape, where freedom is just fifty-feet away at the tree line.

It was around 11:30 AM that the inevitable happened: three thousand school kids turned up wearing their bright yellow fluorescent jackets, looking like little construction workers on a building site, while their foreman teachers barked orders at them demanding that they all hold hands and keep close to their partners, and refrain from talking, or poking their fingers through the cages, or doing anything at all, in fact, except what their teachers expressly permitted them to do (which was nothing).

So here’s the million dollar question: is it worth a visit? Well, it’s not something that I’d recommend to tourists because they’re definitely better off going to London Zoo.

But if you have some restless toddlers or children of primary school age who are stuck for something to do during half-term, then you can probably wile away an hour or two in here quite happily. But it’s definitely one for the little kids because it’s full of toddlers, waddlers, and storm cloud-faced teenagers. Personally I think they’ve got it all back to front – it’s the kids who should be in the cages. They’re the ones who should be locked up.

Worth a visit? ★★☆Value for money? ★★★Good for kids? ★★★Easy to get to? ★★★

I also recommend… If you enjoy this then try SEA LIFE London Aquarium (catch a tube from Sloane Square to Waterloo); London Zoo (travel from Sloane Square to Camden Town by tube) and Natural History Museum (walk it in 28 mins or travel from Sloane Square to South Kensington via tube). If you want to see some more animals and you don’t mind catching a train then Chessington World of Adventures is a great place to visit with your kids because it has also got some rollercoasters! You could also give Spitalfields City Farm a try if you’re happy mucking out the farmyard animals

The author Craig Cross owns city-guide.london and has spent the last decade reviewing the capital’s landmarks, attractions and hotels. His guidebook London Squire is available from Amazon